Voice over script

1.
I remember we often go to the temple together. My mom always prays for the whole family: having good health, living in peace, and staying away from karma. She barely prays for herself. She promises with Budha that she will try her best to do good deeds. Therefore, my family can gain merit which is a form of attracting possible good circumstances in life and in human well-being. I was taught not to ask Budha too much for myself. Mom told me that it’s self-fish. That I should pray for others first. So, since secondary school when I started to acknowledge Buddhism. I followed my mom’s chanting when we’re in front of Budha. I always prayed for my ancestors, my grandparents, my parent, my sister, my plants, my dead fish and I only asked Budha for one thing which was I could be better at Math.

When I move to the NL, I’ve been praying for myself much more than before. I forgot that I need to pray for others. I feel myself sometimes staying away from my religion since the goal of Buddhism is not for the self. On the other hand, the idea of cherishing “self” always comes to my mind first. I enjoy having my own thoughts. I ask more for myself. I’m not afraid of failing if things don’t succeed. Because there’s no “saving face” for family.

Here I’m alone by myself, with no attachments to my community.

2.
Once time, Nhi, my Dutch-Vietnamese friend asked me:
“ Does your mom often ask con ăn cơm chưa “have you eaten yet"?”

I realized that since I moved abroad, I was bombarded with tons of food questions from my mom. “What are you going to eat? You should eat more rice! Don’t eat fast food, eat more veggies.” Whenever we make a video call, the first thing she asks would be have you eaten yet. Nhi’s mom, also Vietnamese asks the same question every time they meet or call. We all feel that it’s so funny that our moms never say I love you, but her love language is food.
Nhi said she will come back home for this New Year’s Eve. She always feels guilty that she can’t spend enough time with her family. But at the same time, she doesn’t want to come back to her small village in South of Netherland where every Vietnamese knows each other very well. Every time she comes back home, they will ask about her life, the part they haven’t seen since she left the community: what she does in the city, how much money she earns, and her love life, when she has kids. In the Vietnamese community, people really care about each person’s life.

3.
I shared her my new recipe for phở gà/a vietnamese chicken noodle soup. That I used Maggi sauce instead of nước mắm/ fish sauce. I’m afraid of using fish sauce to cook. Because the fishy smell might last long time in the house, and I live with other roommates, so I don’t want to bother them. I also don’t use Star Anise which is the key of the noodle’s broth cause it’s not easy to find it in normal supermarket. I told Nhi that now I like the alternative recipe: maggie, ready-made chicken broth cubes and rice noodles. I told her that it’s hard to find the ingredients and this recipe is way simple and easy. Then Nhi told me that her mom often spends 7 hours for making phở. And her mom always shares an authentic recipe for her customers since her mom’s running a Vietnamese grocery shop.

At the moment, I asked myself: why do I share my cuisine recipes with my apology for not finding the right ingredients? Do I just share my cuisine is simple and easy?

I felt the shame that I adapt until I forget myself.


4.

I remember I didn’t have to look at the clock but I still knew it’s 7pm, our dinner time. There’s no rule for how many dishes on the table but my grandmother always makes sure there’re 5 different dishes. Always 2 dishes for veggie and the rest is protein food. There’s always one small bowl of dipping sauce which is often fish sauce in the middle. And Together all dishes will be served in mam com, which is tradional vietnamese food tray. Each member will have their own mission when it comes to table maner. My sister who is the youngest will divide the chopsticks and bowls. I will scoop the rice. My grandmother and my mom will do the final touch for all dishes. My grandpa will ask if anyone wants to drinks. So, everyone will distribute to the dinner. If someone comes home late for dinner, people still wait, so everyone can eat together. No one is left behind the mealtime.

In 2019, it’s my first-time spending Christmas holiday in NL. My friend invited me to her Christmas dinner. Unfortunately, I was late about one hour due to the delay of the train. The dinner time was 6pm. I texted her to say sorry and that I’ll come to her house at about 7pm. When I arrived, I saw everyone had already finished dinner. Her parent was watching movie in the living room. My friend showed me the table with gourmmetten, a classic Dutch evevning dining. It looked very nice with different kinds of meat and seafood on the grill pan. It’s served with bread and potatoes salad. Her mom brought me a hot chocolate so I could have a warm drink with gourmmetten. The setting of the table was very cozy, with a small yellow lamp, the grill pan was in the middle, each person has their own plate with knife and fork. So, I had gourmmettenn by myself with my friend accompanying me. While eating, I thought it would be so good if I could join the dinner earlier with the whole family. That I could talk, share small stories. That could know more about people.
After dinner, I went home and felt so lonely. The image of my family sitting around the food tray kept going while I was eating. I miss the moment when people are waiting for someone else to have dinner with. What is the meaning of my collectivist society to me? I ran away from it so I can have the freedom of living for myself.

My first idea of this project is drawing comics to tel different kinds of stories. Then, after writing and asking myself about the actual goal, I decided to make a series of illustration with my stories recorded as the supported audio. In this way, I can bring the contradictory of the collectivist and collectivist cultures.

The setting of exhibition: the screen is on the floor with carpet and pillow and warm yellow light. I want to bring the intimacy and coziness of home to invite audience to enjoy the video.